move to a city where you can’t turn a corner without meeting someone who reads the new yorker, the new york times on sunday, has seen 400 blows and wants to see 500 days of summer
find an interesting, creative job with normal work hours. by all means, do not mention the movie Teeth in your job interview, no matter how relevant.
when you notice that everyone around you is wearing either black or white converse, remember that unless your feet are a size 8 or below, you cannot wear these shoes. you will look like you are wearing clown shoes.
have a sibling, younger or older, who gets married and has a baby before you do. this takes the pressure off you a little bit, PLUS you get to love the shit out of your niece(s)/nephews
wear sunscreen and eat kale
when your iphone/ipod goes into permashuffle mode while you are running, and you can’t listen to a song for five seconds without hearing a “doodleoo” noise and going to another song, do not repeatedly stop and curse loudly at your ipod. Just touch the artwork, and it will go back to normal
stop drinking. how many times do I have to tell you? It’s a depressant. Most of the time its used to help you avoid something or feel more comfortable in a social setting. Its mostly unproductive and youll be a lot happier and healthier if you just put it down.
go to anthropologie and buy a cute girly dress. can’t afford it? that’s ok. it will make you feel pretty and you probably will have a date or occasion to wear it to soon, anyways.
do not date someone who asks you to go to dinner and a movie who then fails to look up movie times or to give the most minimal thought to where you might go to dinner, even tho you have told them that you have dietary restrictions and sometimes its hard to eat out
keep your panties on.
but not because you are sleeping with someone who prefers that you keep your panties on during the business. that’s just weird.
turn off your television. now! do it.
avoid the hollywood scene at all costs. its worse than the suburbs.
go to in n out and order a protein style cheeseburger fries and chocolate shake, but only once every few weeks so you can maintain your girlish figure
in my opinion you best avoid writers who attended ivy league universities. no matter how great you are, their own crowning achievements, past present and future, will always take priority over you
look at the sky
go to the movies on wednesday nights.
when you get a little worked up about politics or something obama is doing or hasn’t done, or you are still mad about Iraq, stop for just a second. think about the fact that you have freedom of speech in the united states of america. remember that millions of people in this world do not enjoy this right.
its ok to have a dream about obama every once in while. don’t let it get back to michelle, tho.
support healthcare reform
instead of the national, try grand national. instead of kings of leon, try kings of convenience
sleep in when you can, and if you have to be at work at 9, get up at 7. Its just better, even if you want to sleep in longer.
exercise three times a week, at least. if you don’t have time for a run, go for a short walk. its california, you can be outside all the time.
maintain all long distance friendships through various channels, but primarily IM and Gchat. Also, plan visits on a quarterly basis so you don’t ever go too long with seeing people you love who love you back
remember that friends are like stocks. You need to diversify. Someone could get married or move away or start making babies at any time. You don’t want to be too dependent on any one friend.
this one is from poppy: work hard and take care of your people. and the rest will take care of itself
fell in love? had your heartbroken? me too. don’t worry - you’ll fall in love again.
Or maybe you won’t, but you will find a way to be happy, anyways.
avoid credit card debt, or debt of any kind.
go to graduate school. a little more education never hurt anyone, and you never know who you will meet or what opportunities will come as a result
its ok to have student loans, but don’t be a fool and take out $100k in student loans to go to some small liberal arts school in the middle of Nebraska. Only go if the school itself counts for something (Harvard/USC film school)
when you look around you and get a little sad because everyone around you is married and you are still single, repeat to yourself three times “The divorce rate in this country is 50%” And that doesn’t include the unhappy marriages.
Save some money every month. Every month! Make it an automatic transfer on your account.
You may hit some dry spells while you wait for that special someone. In the meantime, develop a good mast*** reel with highlights from various encounters you’ve had.
What? You think girls don’t take care of their own business? Please. Calm down. We just don’t do it as often or to downright dirty porn.
Ladies, try not to use a mechanical device of any kind. If you can give yourself an O, everything is better.
Go to church or synagogue or something like that, I don’t care, yoga class, but not too often. You don’t want to become THAT guy/girl.
When you start to feel like a big girl because you have curves and so many girls in LA barely crack 100 pounds on a scale, remember how hot is when some dood grabs your ass during the business.
I said it once, and I’ll say it again. Keep your panties on. Especially if you really like someone and you want to be in a relationship with them. I’m saying this because if you like some dood AND yer sleeping with him chances are after a while yer going to want him to be your boyfriend. And he may not want that. And you will hurt REAL BAD.
If its a one time thing, or you know you don’t want a relationship with the dood, go ahead and f em. but use a condom for gods sakes! what do you think this is, the 1950s?
stop googling that guy/girl you are/were in love with. like i said, it will hurt REAL BAD.
go see the hangover and laugh laugh laugh.
if you are going to offer up a criticism, first, please offer a compliment. say something nice, and then make the criticism in a kind and productive way.
go to a museum/the theatre/a show/something, at least once a month. you need to feel and experience art up close sometimes, not just through a screen
by all means, do not date douchebags.
do not date boys, unless you don’t want a real, serious relationship. if you do, then date a man. men do things like look up movie times and restaurants.
remember what I said about drinking.
IF you are on vacation AND you don’t mind losing a few brain cells, its ok to smoke a little weed. BUT remember what Cher said to Tai in Clueless: “It is one thing to spark up a doobie at parties, but it’s quite another to be fried all day.”
And if you just need to relax a little but, try some yoga nidra first.
Hope that even though your mom is on facebook, your dad will never join.
stop thinking that someday you are going to “figure it all out.” you won’t. maybe youll get the job part figured out, but not the relationship. maybe the relationship but not the job.
this is what life is, and it is living you. so just roll with it. do your best. try to be a good person. keep moving forward.
one last thing. you know that relationship you are in? be honest. do you really see a future? can you/do you want to be with this person over the long haul or are you just hanging in there because you don’t want to be alone? think about it. you know what to do.
